A Rough, Emotional Week

For the most part, I try to keep our blog as positive as can be. . . just sharing the joy of B and the life of our sweet lil Ava that was cut waaay too short. This particular post, I am going to be real and share what a rough last week it has been.

Last Monday, I had a few not so fun "errands" that I wanted to get done before I went back to work on Wednesday.  First, I made an impromptu visit to the hospital where Ava was born/passed away. I say "impromptu" because I had not planned on stopping by there last Monday. I knew it was something that would eventually need to be done, but I had not prepared myself ahead of time.  As I parked, I instantly felt the emotions overcome me. . .it was hard just to breathe as the tears rolled down my face. After several minutes, I knew I needed to collect myself and get it done. I walked in the front doors, the same front doors that we had walked out of empty handed just less than two months before. I went to the front desk to ask where to get Medical Records.  As she gave me directions, I tried to hold back the tears, along with memorize the directions. I passed by the cafe (too small to call it a cafeteria) where J and our family ate their meals while I laid in the hospital bed. I also passed by the gift shop we had shopped in a few times to get Ava some really cute gifts. I finally made it up to the third floor, to the small little office.  Through my tears and sniffles, I was able to request Ava and my medical records. I sat there waiting, with only my thoughts, waiting for them to print our records on what seemed to be half a ream of paper. After what felt like an eternity, but was probably more like 15 minutes, I got our records and headed back to the car. As soon as I got in the car, I read the first page of Ava's and began bawling. With that one page, it immediately took me back to that night as I read Ava's last hours of her life. . .too much, I wasn't ready for it.

Next thing, I headed to the funeral home. I needed to pay off Ava's marker and check on how we obtain the death certificates we had purchased. Like I've said before, going in there is NEVER an easy thing to do. One "positive" that came out of it, they told me Ava's picture came in, so they had to uninstall her marker from the ground so they could install her picture and it should be reinstalled in the ground the next day. I don't want to go into details, but I did have to endure a completely insensitive comment made by our funeral director, that I. will. never. forget.

Last errand I had to do before B came home from school was to go to the County Medical Examiner's office to pick up Ava's autopsy report. All I have to say about that is, I. NEVER. EVER. WANT. TO. WALK. IN. THERE. EVER. AGAIN! or read another autopsy report. . .it's just not something any parent should have to do, EVER!

That was a sad day for me, an extremely sad for me. J offered to take care of it all for me, but because he would have had to take a 1/2 day off work to do it, I felt like it was something I needed to do. He did what he could, he called ahead of time so they would all have everything I needed ready for me (other than the medical records), I just hope that we NEVER EVER have to experience this again.

Two days later was my first day back at school after being gone from the classroom almost 4 months (2 months bed rest and then 2 months afterwards).  The night before I had A LOT of anxiety about going back.  The tears were uncontrollable and I couldn't sleep. I knew once I went back, it would be full throttle "end of year busyness" with no turning back. I knew once I went back, I would no longer get my special "Ava alone time" that I had grown so fondly of, instead I would be wrapped up in school stuff, life moving on. I do want to take a quick moment to brag how wonderful all my friends/coworkers and students are in my school.  Everyone has welcomed me back with big, wide, open arms and has made my transition back to work as easy as possible. I am so appreciative of everyone!

Sunday was Mother's Day. . .an extremely hard day for me. I know I am SOO blessed to have B but it doesn't change the fact that one of my babies was not there to celebrate with us, instead it was her two month angelversary. Thanks to J, we did do her pink balloon launch. Although I have no pictures to share, it was a beautiful evening!

Monday the funeral home called J to tell us Ava's death certificates were ready. So after school, B and I headed to the funeral home to pick them up. Later that evening, as J and I were looking at it we noticed an error on her death certificate.  Because nothing about this has been easy, we are unfortunately having to go through the process of getting it corrected and ordering new ones. No parent should ever have to get their child's death certificate before their birth certificate. =(

A LOT of tears have been shed this last week. . .we appreciate everyone keeping us in your thoughts and prayers, we still have a difficult road ahead of us.

Thanks for following along with us,