I survived...

I survived my first week alone...this was a big deal for me. Since the middle of January (when I was first ordered on strict best rest), my parents have been gracious enough to split their time and come spend the week with us.  We will be forever grateful to my mom and dad for not only helping take care of me, but for also helping take care of B (and his homework which is a nightmare at times!), doing our household chores, cooking meals and anything else we needed help with to lighten the load for J and me. They have been awesome!

After Ava's tragic passing, my mom stayed with us for the next couple of weeks to still help take care of B and me. Each day she would get B ready for school, pick him up from school, do his homework with him, clean our house, do our laundry, take care of Lilly, prepare dinner, etc... We were spoiled! As much as J and I enjoy having my mom around to help out, it was time for me to try to get back to a normal routine all on my own.
 
For my first week alone, I did have a couple of bumps in the road...
* Last Friday, my short term disability representative called to get an update on how I was doing. I knew what words I would have to tell her and I just wasn't ready to say them at that point so I didn't call her back. At the time, I wanted to enjoy the day with B, and not be an emotional wreck. Well, she called back and left a message on Monday. I knew I needed to return her call, but again didn't want to state the words I knew need to be said. So before I called her back, I practiced...I practiced because I thought if I say the words aloud, then maybe when I tell her, I can say it without too much emotion. About an hour later, I called her back and got her voicemail, not really wanting to talk to her, I went ahead and uttered the words on her voicemail...."This is Christie Abraham, returning your call, and I just wanted to update you and let you know that I delivered my healthy lil girl on 3/11 via csection and tragically she passed away the next evening on 3/12. At this point, we have no idea what happened." My daughter tragically passed away….to me, those words will NEVER get easier to say or to type. It's one thing, when you are surrounded by people who already know and love and support us, but to actually have to SAY the words out loud, it's a whole new thing. She called me back about 10 minutes later and was very sweet and sympathetic and just wanted to check on me to see how I was doing. I was able to produce a very emotional, "I'm just trying to hang in there." My very generic answer to that question.

* Tuesday evening, I sat down in Ava's room to read a book that one of my mom's good friends gave me, Safe in the Arms of God: Truth from Heaven About the Death of a Child. I had read the back of the book and was really excited to start reading it. Not even three pages into it, I had a break down. Honestly, I am not even sure if the book had anything to do with my breakdown.  All alone in Ava's room (the boys were already asleep), my mind went back to the night. The night that Ava passed away and I just kept reliving it and reliving different "what if" scenarios. Oh, if things could only be different!  

On a more positive note, I did have a few things I was proud of this week...
* I managed to go to both WalMart and Hobby Lobby without completely breaking down....which is a difficult task for me, especially when you are looking at their Easter clearance sections thinking "what can I use to decorate Ava's special spot, next year to really jazz it up."
* I managed to only visit Ava one time...I really thought once I had the freedom to drive, I would be there every.single.day, with my camping chair, spending the whole day with her.  Instead, I just stopped by once, for a quick visit.
* I managed to go to the Children's Place Outlet to get B some new spring clothes and did not even look at the lil girls clothes, not even once.  I really think I owe this one to Ava already being spoiled rotten and not needing any new clothes from all the cutesy dresses and outfits we had received/bought. I had already tried to train myself that Ava did not need any more clothes, so before she was even born I tried to not be tempted to get her anything more. As B would tease, "Ava is going to need to do 4 outfit changes a day to wear ALL these dresses and clothes!" What can I say, a princess HAS to have many options. =)  Hopefully, one day, we will get to pass down all of Ava's cutesy, frilly, dresses/outfits to her lil sister. =)

Another mager help to me this week was the help of a lot of friends that came to visit me each day.  Each day different friends brought B home, brought me Sonic drinks, dinner and just sat and visited with me until J came home from work. It was SO great catching up with several of my school friends. I have missed them all so much!!

If you have made it this far, we ask that you please keep us in your prayers tomorrow, Saturday, April 6th.  At 3:00, we are meeting with one of the funeral home directors to design Ava's "marker". We call it her "marker" because I REFUSE to call it a headstone. I have had anxiety over this all day today and know tomorrow will be an emotional time for us.

Thanks for your continued prayers and for following along,